No More Mr. Nice Guy
And I used to be such a nice person...
Are you fucking kidding me?
Yes, this is real. (I looked it up. Otherwise it wouldn’t be that funny/sad.) So, for $25 you get a cd with eight tracks of positive backround noise and “encouragement”, and three shitty puzzle pieces that don’t even belong to a fucking puzzle!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I wouldn’t give this CD a shot. I’m sure it would be great to listen to while…
Holy shit, look at this stupid kid!
Seriously, it’s one thing if you adopt a dog or something and it can’t quite master a few tricks, but this is a kid, you’re stuck with this 30lb bag of fail for at least 18 years. After this performance, I’d either put his ass back on the adoption block, or drop him in the ocean somewhere.
Lisa Lampanelli is awesome. I’ve always liked her as a comic because she calls things how they are, and can tear anyone a new asshole just as well as one of the guys. This is just a one minute clip of her at a “celebrity” roast with one of the best Rihanna jokes I’ve heard so far.
'The Expendables' (2010)
The greatest movie ever made is coming out next year…
- This movie will win every Oscar forever
- Awards shows will have to shut down after this movie because nothing will ever beat it.
- This movie will win a Nobel Prize for being so fucking awesome.
- After winning every award at every award show, this movie will go on to win The Superbowl, World Series, Stanley Cup, World Cup, UFC Heavyweight Championship, Indy 500, Kentucky Derby, Gold Medals at the Olympics, and even the Westminster Dog Show
- Jesus will resurrect just to see this movie
- Even Aliens will visit earth just to watch it
- This movie will be so awesome even black people won’t talk through it
- Watching this movie will regrow your hair (and possibly grow you a thick luxurious mustache)
- This movie will cure cancer
- The trailer will make women miscarry
- After watching this movie women who are pregnant will immediately induce labor, and women who aren’t pregnant will spontaneously become pregnant with the manliest babies EVER!
- If Chuck Norris watched even a single frame of this movie, his head would explode
- Movie theaters will require you to wear a helmet in order to watch this movie, so that your head is not caved in by the sheer awesomeness of it
- Small children and the elderly won’t physically or mentally be able to withstand the awesomeness of this movie… Even the opening credits would destroy them in their seats.
- This movie will melt your face off
- Grizzly bears will come from the forests to see this movie (they won’t have to buy tickets because they can fucken eat you)
- When this movie comes out on DVD, it will replace every bible in hotel rooms around the world.
- The movie will steal your virginity
- This movie will fix the US financial crisis
Look at this fat fucken cat!
It’s bad enough that you own a cat… let alone the fact that you have this lame ass “Doggy Door” installed for it. Now your shitty “pet” is too fat to fit though the fucken door? FAIL.
Wilson : Man of Mustache Episode 1: Fuck Yeah!
I found this new site that allows you to make little animated shorts. So I’ve decided to make my own series… (or make a few ridicilous shorts until I get distracted and find something else new to play with.)
- Wilson: Man of Mustace - THE SERIES! (tumblr)
Bake me a cupcake, and do the fucking dishes WHORE!
Yeah… “try my muffin, it’s really yummy” …WTF?
Look at this fucking stupid dog, what an ASSHOLE. He walks around in circles and barks for almost TWO minutes! (I’m not even sure if lame ass dogs like that can jump.) As bad as that stupid dog is, at least it’s not a cat… cause pretty much, the only people who own cats are fat / ugly women and gay dudes.
Let this be a reminder.
Recently in Austin, TX, someone went out and reprogrammed a few road signs with messages warning commuters of “ZOMBIES”, and “Nazi Zombies” (big difference, trust me). The messages only stayed up for a few hours, there were no accidents, and most importantly nobody was hurt or killed. (Mainly due to the fact that signs can’t kill people, and ZOMBIES ARE NOT REAL!)
Yet the NBC Austin news felt that they had to “investigate”, and spent almost three minutes “reporting” on this “story”. Apparently some people didn’t think the prank was funny… well, fuck them, nobody likes those type of people anyway. Later during this hard hitting investigation, they interview some fat bitch at a local school that was allegedly driving with “some friends” and saw the sign. At first she tells reporters that the signs were funny, and then changes her mind claiming that the sign was dangerous?
“If you change signs like that, then people might not know where to go… it’s a dangerous issue.”
WTF does that even mean? Are there really people who think Nazi zombies are invading Austin, TX and getting lost because of these signs? Is it dangerous to cry wolf (or zombie), so that when the zombies finally come to Austin nobody will believe the signs?
